Toilet Paper

You know how sometimes on Law and Order, for example, they start a show on Law and Order, SVU and end it on the original Law and Order (RIP)? Well, this just might be the first blog to do that very thing. I would suggest you start by reading

When I am King: Dry, Dry Again

http://bit.ly/ao3UHi

by Chet Haase (yes relation).

Not only do Chet and I have the same genetic material pulsing through our veins, we apparently are equally frustrated by modern technological advances in public restrooms of our times. I will add to Chet's blog that my favorite hand-drying device is at a movie theater in Minneapolis. Patrons are asked to insert their hands in a machine with vertical holes, then are literally blown away by a gust of air that will dry your hands in about 3 seconds, whilst rendering the skin on your hands to look like the picture in every physics book of the first human to experience g-force. The lights in the theatre probably dim, and the air pressure chance in the restroom alone causes your ears to pop. Just sayin'.

So, then back to the subject at hand. I am on a quest to find not only the best and most reliable toilet paper, but the best and most reliable method of dispensation. I have travelled far and long, and am sorry to say, I have found neither.
When did toliet paper rolls become the size of cash register tape? At least an inch has been shaved from the ends of the rolls. Sign of the times, I guess. Like candy bars and Campbells Soup. Fun-size toilet paper.
Along with the decrease in size has come the decrease in the stability of the paper. Whereas back in the day, the paper was made from the mighty oak and pecan, it is now fashioned from balsa wood, or maybe even some sort of polymer made in a third-world country.
Growing up, there was no difference in toliet paper holders. The dispenser consisted of two side hooks and a small dowel to hold a roll of paper. Easy, cheap, effective. Patrons had a choice of how much they wanted. The only variation was in grade school, there was a small metal bar to prevent us from taking more than one square. Apparently this was to cut cost, or conserve trees; likely the former, since no one had an inkling of what conservation of resources was in the fifties. This was particularly frustrating for those of us who were lucky enough to reach puberty and experience all it's manifestations while still in grade school.

Present day restrooms, unfortunately, have almost universally converted to the megaroll and the huge enclosure bolted into the wall. Now, these devices would be wonderful if those who installed them would stop to think a moment about the mechanics of pulling the paper out of them. The action, folks, is DOWN. The patron grabs the paper, and pulls DOWN to withdraw their chosen number of squares.  It shouldn't take a construction engineer to determine the placement of these dispensers. I know there are folks who have frequented more public restrooms than I, but I would say the majority are installed within 3 feet of the floor. Not acceptable. One tug of the end of the roll and the paper is on the floor. OK, not where I want my toilet paper to go prior to my use of it, fifteen second rule notwithstanding.

SO, if you happen to be a toilet paper dispenser hanger, heed my warning. Hang that thing high - preferable about 3-4 feet from the ceiling. People will like you much more. If you can't do that, just go back to the old two hooks and a dowel (sans the little metal restrictor). I don't know anyone who doesn't like that.

So, in conclusion, let me reflect on a recent observation. At the new Target Field in Minneapolis, where the AL Central Leading MINNESOTA TWINS play, I approached the restroom. Imagine my delight to see a line of 5 coming out of the men's room and NO LINE coming out of the women's room. Exquisite!